Sometimes I think I’m too much of a perfectionist – for example, now for ages I’m thinking what the title should be to a point which makes me feel maybe I shouldn’t write anything if I can’t even think of a good title. If I can’t think of a title how am I going to write!
Now you reading this, you might think I’m the best in everything, you think I do everything perfectly and with lots of thought behind it, I won’t take a step without thinking and making sure it’s perfect. But honestly I’m nothing like that. I’m not patient enough to wait and plan, I like action. Don’t get me wrong, I love planning but not in every aspect of my life or for every decision. Sometimes – most of the time – I do it there and then and I just wanna move on to the next thing. I do get bored too fast.
So when do I become a perfectionist? When I’m in the centre eye of society I become one, this makes me feel like I need a perfect title otherwise no-one will read this, and if they don’t I’m not successful. I need to remind myself I’m writing here for me, not for anyone else, I’m writing here for me and hoping it might help someone else.
And then the feeling of not being perfect comes back, and makes me become a perfectionist rather than be myself, instead of just writing what I feel and thought as my true self I’m writing as I think you wanna read it, and I think that makes the writing bland and boring and emotionless.
Me being a perfectionist – is it because of society? Is this the new reality making me think I should care about what others think? This is the new me? Am I becoming paranoid, anxious, and daily loosing who I truly am just to be accepted by some random people whom I might never meet or talk to?
My true self likes to say: I found that today I have five different personalities, but to the real world I only show one. One of which is mixture of them all. Why can’t I choose whom I wanna be that day and if I wanna behave in a childish way why can’t I do that and not be scared what others think? Why can’t I stick my tongue out, pull a face and say this is me deal with it, haha, I’m young and happy and naughty and careless and I wanna have some fun?
And my made-up self will say: Being my true self is like being a politician. I need to put a meeting room in my head, have all five sides of me round a table and discuss upcoming events and see what every one suggests and what is the best way to resolve it. Not because I’m a perfectionist, not because I like to think about stuff so much in details, and not because I am bored, only just that I’m truly scared of the outcome. I’m scrared how I will react or what I may say that could change my entire world, change how you see me and change whom I wanna be.