Split personality

So, weird enough I can control my split personalities, I choose which one I wanna be in different situations. I see them as the good side of me and the bad side of me – the problem is both go to extreme.

I can be the nicest person to you, you see me as kind, caring, emotional, and naive. Someone who always holds her tongue and won’t say much back to you. No matter what you say, I won’t answer back, I keep all to myself and smile back at you.

Also I can be the most bossy, badass woman you have ever met, emotionally dead, have this smile on, eyes so dead on you it makes you feel uncomfortable. My voice becomes full of confidence, my body language changes and you know the game is on. This is the time you know I will answer back, I will answer you with a lack of any kindness, I can tell you harsh words just because you have hurt me.

It seems like my bad side has developed over the years because of different experiences in my life. She became protective of me, she blocks my emotions, blocks bad memories, and provides a way of coping in tough situations. As lovely as this sounds it made problems in relationships and friendships.

People don’t understand why I suddenly change, they don’t understand how I can love so much and then be this robot. Because of this, over the years I have silenced the bad side, tried to make it invisible from people and be hidden inside me and I have become this massive nice person. The problem with this is I burn out. After a while out of nowhere I explode, I get angry and unhappy just because I haven’t been able to communicate.

And the worse part is the daily life with it. When I am in situations with colleagues, friends, family members or people who are close to me, and they might have said or done something which I didn’t like or didn’t agree with, for days I have arguments in my mind with them. Each side makes plans of things I should do, and behaviours I should have. That makes it the hardest time, not knowing which voice you should listen to, whom you should choose to be, and how can you be sure you won’t have regrets?

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