Perfect title ?

Sometimes I think I’m too much of a perfectionist – for example, now for ages I’m thinking what the title should be to a point which makes me feel maybe I shouldn’t write anything if I can’t even think of a good title. If I can’t think of a title how am I going to write!

Now you reading this, you might think I’m the best in everything, you think I do everything perfectly and with lots of thought behind it, I won’t take a step without thinking and making sure it’s perfect. But honestly I’m nothing like that. I’m not patient enough to wait and plan, I like action. Don’t get me wrong, I love planning but not in every aspect of my life or for every decision. Sometimes – most of the time –  I do it there and then and I just wanna move on to the next thing. I do get bored too fast.

So when do I become a perfectionist? When I’m in the centre eye of society I become one, this makes me feel like I need a perfect title otherwise no-one will read this, and if they don’t I’m not successful. I need to remind myself I’m writing here for me, not for anyone else, I’m writing here for me and hoping it might help someone else.

And then the feeling of not being perfect comes back, and makes me become a perfectionist rather than be myself, instead of just writing what I feel and thought as my true self I’m writing as I think you wanna read it, and I think that makes the writing bland and boring and emotionless.

Me being a perfectionist – is it because of society? Is this the new reality making me think I should care about what others think? This is the new me? Am I becoming paranoid, anxious, and daily loosing who I truly am just to be accepted by some random people whom I might never meet or talk to?

My true self likes to say: I found that today I have five different personalities, but to the real world I only show one. One of which is mixture of them all. Why can’t I choose whom I wanna be that day and if I wanna behave in a childish way why can’t I do that and not be scared what others think? Why can’t I stick my tongue out, pull a face and say this is me deal with it, haha, I’m young and happy and naughty and careless and I wanna have some fun?

And my made-up self will say: Being my true self is like being a politician. I need to put a meeting room in my head, have all five sides of me round a table and discuss upcoming events and see what every one suggests and what is the best way to resolve it. Not because I’m a perfectionist, not because I like to think about stuff so much in details, and not because I am bored, only just that I’m truly scared of the outcome. I’m scrared how I will react or what I may say that could change my entire world, change how you see me and change whom I wanna be.

Split personality

So, weird enough I can control my split personalities, I choose which one I wanna be in different situations. I see them as the good side of me and the bad side of me – the problem is both go to extreme.

I can be the nicest person to you, you see me as kind, caring, emotional, and naive. Someone who always holds her tongue and won’t say much back to you. No matter what you say, I won’t answer back, I keep all to myself and smile back at you.

Also I can be the most bossy, badass woman you have ever met, emotionally dead, have this smile on, eyes so dead on you it makes you feel uncomfortable. My voice becomes full of confidence, my body language changes and you know the game is on. This is the time you know I will answer back, I will answer you with a lack of any kindness, I can tell you harsh words just because you have hurt me.

It seems like my bad side has developed over the years because of different experiences in my life. She became protective of me, she blocks my emotions, blocks bad memories, and provides a way of coping in tough situations. As lovely as this sounds it made problems in relationships and friendships.

People don’t understand why I suddenly change, they don’t understand how I can love so much and then be this robot. Because of this, over the years I have silenced the bad side, tried to make it invisible from people and be hidden inside me and I have become this massive nice person. The problem with this is I burn out. After a while out of nowhere I explode, I get angry and unhappy just because I haven’t been able to communicate.

And the worse part is the daily life with it. When I am in situations with colleagues, friends, family members or people who are close to me, and they might have said or done something which I didn’t like or didn’t agree with, for days I have arguments in my mind with them. Each side makes plans of things I should do, and behaviours I should have. That makes it the hardest time, not knowing which voice you should listen to, whom you should choose to be, and how can you be sure you won’t have regrets?